New Year's Apple Challah

Here is what I am making tonight.
Ingredients
This is the perfect cross between a bread and a cake. What could be more appealing - a rich challah studded with chunks of fresh autumn apples. This is the perfect cross between a bread and a cake. The bottom of the baked bread becomes caramelized with sugar and apple juices. Leftovers make terrific "apple" French Toast.

1 cup warm water
2 tablespoons dry yeast
1/2 cup sugar
1/2 cup oil (or unsalted melted butter)
2 eggs
2 teaspoons vanilla
2 1/2 teaspoons salt
1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
4 1/2 to 5 cups bread flour
Apple mixture
3 cups coarsely chopped apples
1/2 cup white sugar
1 tablespoon lemon juice
1 teaspoon cinnamon
Egg wash and garnish
1 egg - beaten
1 teaspoon sugar
1-2 tablespoons coarse sugar (optional) for sprinkling
non-stick cooking spray

I am trying not to be depressed. There is no rational explanation for the fog I am in or the funk, or why I have been sleeping like a corpse. I am meeting Barbara for lunch today-- she sent me an email this morning that was just what the doctor ordered.I had originally planned to work out today, but I think I need the conversation more. Hell, I have an elliptical trainer. I will just have to use it tonight instead of curling into a little depressed ball between two sweet little boys and going to sleep as I did last night.

I cannot explain to anyone why Mark's behavior has depressed me this way-- not even myself. I suppose because I actually kidded myself into believing he was going to be cool about this. And I can't defend myself or them from his stupidity when they are with him.

I feel the same sense of fear and disgust when Sam tells me that Mark has told him that the only way to be Jewish is racially, as I did when we were still married and he told me he wouldn't want to find out my biological parents were Jewish because he wouldn't want his children to be Jewish. The same sense of fear and disgust as when he told me that there were lots of other world tragedies just as bad or worse than the holocaust (whether or not this is true, he was making the argument in the context of making larger more disturbing comments about Jews) and he was sick of the Jews running Hollywood and making movies about their tragedy, and that some reports of the holocaust were exaggerated.

His father actually told my mother once that the Holocaust hadn't happened. What are you, Mel Gibson's father, too?

The kind of racism that comes out of his family. His sister's use of racial slurs. His father's constant little monologues about how he has been wronged by "coloreds." His brother getting out of a housing deal after finding out that black people lived in the neighborhood. His sister's response that they don't even like the Indians on their street because they don't know "their place."

It just makes me sick. I am so angry that I just want to scream. If I had known the kind of racism present in this family, I would never have married into it, and my only regret about divorcing out of it is that these people actually still have unsupervised access to my children. I really wish there were something I could do about that. I should have tape recorded them.

Mark's mother didn't want us to name Sam Sam because people might think he was Jewish. Can you believe that?

Sorry. Jen's ugly divorce history is coming raging out of the closet.

I will stuff it back in now and get on with my regularly scheduled day.

It just gets worse... So, today when I pick Sam up, I said, "Did Daddy say anything to you about the conversation we had yesterday?"

"You mean about not going down for the thing?"

"Yes. Can you tell me what he said?"

"He said that being Jewish is like being black or being Chinese. You can't just say you're going to be black or Chinese and then do it. And he said if you become Jewish, they take the foreskin off your penis. Is that true, Mom?"

I reminded him that we had talked about circumcision, and that in some traditions it is possible not to do that (you do a pinprick of blood, symbolically). I said, "Actually, Sam, you can become Jewish. You're NOT born Jewish or Christian or Buddhist. You choose what you believe. If I were born in Russia and moved to America, and became a citizen, then even though maybe I was born in Russia, I would still be American, right? That is what it means to become Jewish."

"Oh, that makes more sense, because it isn't like there is Jewish blood in someone's vains or Christian blood."

"People have traditionally thought that the Jewish bloodline passes down through the mother. But that was much more important many centuries ago."

And I told Sam that we are going to celebrate Rosh Hashanah as a family at home, and invite some family friends over to celebrate with us.

And he said, "Cool!"

The End.

Yesterday I had a fight with my ex-husband the like of which we have not had for years. And it left me badly upset and shaken. I was upset even this morning. But you know, a quick phone call to your lawyer has a way of making things look up.

I had asked him to take T and C on Wednesday night instead of Thursday so I could take Sam to Columbia for Rosh Hoshana Wednesday night and Thursday and not hurry back Thursday night.
You are going to take him out of school. For Rosh Hoshanah.

Yes, it's the Jewish New Year. It's one of the most important holidays of the year.

He replied that he would look at his calendar. He called me back later on my cell phone, and I was in the parking lot of our local grocery store. He didn't want to talk about this in front of the boys.

But it is not right of you, Jen, to involve the children while you play Jew. We are not Jews. You and I were both raised in religions that celebrated the divinity of Christ. I know you are searching, but the boys are being raised Christian, and this is too important for you to confuse them while you figure things out. I'm not an anti-Semite. I wouldn't care if they wanted to marry a Jewish girl. But I don't want my children raised Jewish. You said you weren't going to raise them Jewish.

I said I knew they couldn't formally convert to Judaism without both of our permission and I knew you would never agree. But that doesn't mean I am not going to teach them about what is important to me.

I can't even recount the entire conversation, but it wasn't as calm as I have laid it out. I was interrupting him and yelling and slamming my open hand against the steering wheel. I opened my door and smoked a cigarette. I told him, "I was raised in a cult and you told me repeatedly that I wasn't a Christian so you want it, you got it! I am NOT a Christian. And I guess you should have chosen their mother more carefully!"

Jen, we aren't Jews. They don't even have a community up here. I am trying to give them a community. We read the Bible together every night. ...

And so on. I love how suddenly I am part of "We." Well, guess what? The children are not baptised. And I will not permit it. They are no more Christian than Jewish. They will choose when they are adults.

And, yes, I am furious, I am beyond pissed off that I can't have an experience of every member of my family belonging to one faith when we go sit on a pew.

But Jews had to practice in secret for centuries, were forced to convert against their will, so their children were never openly Jewish. I don't have much to bitch about, really.

Idecided not to fight with Mark about this. I am not taking Sam to Columbia. We will stay here and celebrate Rosh Hoshanah as a family in our home.And I will figure out whether I want to buy tickets only for Yom Kippur.

But I called my lawyer because my dad said, "Don't push this with him. I think you know that. You don't want him to haul you into court."

Excuse me?

Well, Mark has to remain informed, and he can voice an objection. That is IT. The same goes for me.

I don't want my children to be hostages in a religious war. But I am not going to be bullied by that asshole anymore. He is very good at it, having made it is professional psychological specialty for more than ten years. He really got under my skin.

But a good night's sleep and a ten second phone call all make the world a lot clearer.