Dear Jen,

hanks for sharing w/ me your reflections on Jewisj lit. you have been reading.
A fence around the Torah must never be 2 tall lest it collapses on Toah. Indeed, one liberal way 2 understand it -- that's the beauty of Torah; 600,000 interpretations 4 ea. verse -- is do put a fence around Torah, don't let it encroach too much beyond its intended scope.

Kippah is not a Mitzvah -- relatively a late-@-coming custom. No blessing is recited upon donning it like w/ a talit.

Welcome in Israel -- the only problem 'd be in the rare encounters in one's life time w/ the Ort. establishment. Wedding -- that's resolveable by getting married in Cyprus (and if desirable a non-orth. ceremomy 4 religious reasons in Israel afterwards). The state 'd recognize it. Probably in the next few yrs. we may see civil marriages in Israel too.

Funerals -- there are alternative cemetaries in Israel to the Orth. (tho state-owned) cemetaries.

That's about that in terms of being welcome by the Orth. establishment. Otherwise REf. and Cons. conversions R acceptable by the state provided that the convert belonged to a Jewish community -- I guess a JCC membership 'd also "qualify" -- at least a yr. before the actual move to Israel in order to enjoy all kinds of benefits (import taxes, ulpan and more)..

Call Casey for a ticket.

L'shalom,
-Rabbi

I just got up. My kids are so wonderful and independent to let me
sleep in. Dereck sleeps like a stone on weekdays, but this weekend
got up early two days to walk the dog! He lets me sleep on the
weekends, wonderful man.

I am one big allergy today.

Had a nice talk with Barbara last night-- we are going to see Princess
Diaries 2 this afternoon. And of course I stayed up too late last
night. But I was reading. I started reading The Making of the Modern
Jew-- it is a lot easier going having read The Source. And last night
Christian was very needy, so Sam and Dereck played the X Box Dereck
has been practicing with (I don't fully understand either) and I lay
down with Christian and talked to him, explained to him that none of
the Jewish things I am doing mean that *he* is Jewish-- he will have
to decide what he wants to do when he is 18. And lying there in the
dark, he revealed to me his troubles with Shabbat: He gets too hungry
waiting there to eat. So, I suggested that we give him a snack so he
wouldn't have to wait. And he liked that idea.

I also disclosed to Barbara last night my intentions not only to
celebrate Christmas with Dereck's parents this year, but also to
continue celebrating with the children as long as they still believe
in Santa Claus. And she was in complete agreement. She said it was
different for kids-- they aren't missing anything, but mine would be.
And we talked about ways to make Chanukah bigger and brighter and
Christmas more subdued. I found a website last night that had a bunch
of Judaica on sale-- Chanukah lights, chocolate lollipops. rugrats
Chanukah videos, round chocolate coins, so of course, I bought them.

I need to reign myself in soon. But I did think to myself, "You know
you will want them, so you can pay half price now, or full price
later."

She has good suggestions for how to do Rosh Hashana on the cheap, and
activities we can do with the kids (bake round Challah) and she makes
little gift things for the Hillel students with honey, an apple, a
round roll. So, I will help her do that. Last night was the first
time I felt a lack of Jewish community to celebrate with, and she said
the high holidays are some of those celebrated mostly in the synagogue
and not at home, so you really have to go down. And I am going.

I also had a long chat with Dan about the rabbi and the conversion
process, etc. He was at a loss, really, but it was still a nice chat.

I found Huw's blog, but haven't had time to read yet.

I need to go wake up!

Jen

Hello Rabbi Feintuch,

I just wanted to drop you a line! I have started reading The Making
of the Modern Jew by Milton Steinberg. It is much easier going having
read The Source, and everything has a grounded context for me now.

I thought a lot as I was reading about why this would be important to
read for someone studying Judaism. Not only did I gain a larger
breadth of the history of the Jewish people and a fuller understanding
of the Diaspora, but because characters were used, people I became
attached to, the full horrors of the Inquisition and the Crusades
struck me with a greater force than if I had been reading about them
in a history book that depersonalized the violence.

But one of the important themes that I find emerging from everything
I'm reading, again and again, is the conflict that emerges between
groups wishing to preserve the Orthodoxy of the Talmud and those who
want some reforms.

And I am really torn because I can see both sides very well. For the
first time, I have some idea of how the Talmud was put together and
how it came to be, and why this was so important. I understand now
the phrase, "Build a fence around the Torah," and that the discussion
of issues so mild as should a man be allowed to wear a false tooth on
Shabbat actually address a circumference of other issues.

On the other hand, being a product of the Twentieth Century, although
my affinity for Judaism is very much linked to spiritual needs and my
belief in G-d, not just rooted in the desire for ritual and tradition,
I don't think I personally need to wear a head covering all the time.
But that also strikes me as pretty arrogant on my part considering
that the laws were so successful in creating Jewish communities
throughout the Diaspora, and that the laws were instrumental in the
survival of Judaism in the face of what should have been usurmountable
oppression. So, I understand the rife between the two camps, and I
find myself pulled between them.

I also understand now with much greater complexity, having read Potok
and Michenor both now, the politics behind the establishment of Israel
and the conflicts there. There has never been peace there, and I
don't think we are going to have peace there in our lifetime. But I
still have much more to learn. And I have concerns about being
welcome there if I am not Orthodox, but I am trying not to let things
like that worry me unduly.

We are still celebrating Shabbat every week, and we are hoping to host
some Hillel students throughout the year so they can teach us the
tunes to the prayers! I need to become better about giving the
children a snack because we often eat Shabbat dinner later than we eat
on other nights because we are trying to finish preparations, so
during the prayers, they are starving and just want to eat the
Challah! But we are learning. I have started saying the Sh'ma in
English with my younger two because the Hebrew isn't as meaningful for
them. Sometimes I say both. But I want them to have the meaning of
the words, not just hearing the Hebrew by rote. We also translate the
Shabbat prayers for them (which means it takes us awhile!) and have to
pause to answer questions: "What is Holy?"

I am taking a day off work to come down for Rosh Hashanah, and
planning to come for Yom Kippur (I won't have my children that
weekend), so I was hoping I could get a ticket for myself for Rosh
Hashanah, and two for Dereck and me for Yom Kippur-- can you tell me
who I need to speak with about that?

I hope your son is enjoying his introduction to college life here!

Shalom,

Jen

Me again.

Well, of course. It just took a short walk around the kitchen for more coffee.

I can't just think about Jesus as a mythological figure with good ideas because what He was supposed to have done for Us, to have died for our sins, that is huge. And has a lot more to do with salvation and the afterlife than Jews are concerned with.

And if Christianity tells me that someone died for my sins and this offers me salvation, that better darn well be LITERALLY true, hadn't it? How can this be metaphorical? I can answer my own question. Christianity (wait for it, this is the Mormon version) seems to propose that *repentance* is a good idea. You can try again and again and again to make things right, clean your soul, and Christ's sacrifice makes this possible.

Jews are not so concerned with this. They are very community focused, but hey, they aint' gonna forgive ya seven times seventy (three is about the max)-- and they will never forgive the Nazis. Christians would because that is what is required.

So both philosophies affect how you live your life. And this is how Christianity might work metaphorically.

Am I really on the wrong track here, or am I getting closer to understanding something important?

Jen

Hi Tom,

Thank you. Well, I suppose my distaste of Christianity does have more
to do with Christianity itself in its distasteful forms than Jesus
Himself.

I suppose that the idea that Christians have created their culture and
instilled the law through a personage who could speak with G-d and
rise from the dead does have a certain power.

It is a really difficult thing for me to come to terms with these
things not being literally true. And this is largely due to having
been raised Mormon. Mormons take things VERY literally, because they
want you to believe that their faith is LITERALLY true. Perhaps that
in and of itself explains the emphasis on the literal. I wasn't
raised with the same Jesus that you and Liza were. Or the same G-d
for that matter.

So let's delve into this a little bit: Why is it easier for me to
accept G-d then, in all of His metaphorical incarnations, and not
Jesus?

Well. I don't know. When I hear Buddhists talk of Nirvana, Taoists
talk of The Way and Christians, Jews, and Muslims speak of G-d, I
think we are all actually talking about the same being. I think He
has revealed Himself in ways that make different cultures identify Him
in their own ways.

But then you get into specifics like Jesus, Allah, Buddha, the Dalai
Lama-- and that kind of messes things up for me. Because if it's all
metaphorical, if these are all essentially the same beings in the
metaphorical spectrum, then I have to

1) accept all religion as being Truthful rather than Factual (ding
ding ding ding ding)
2) and try to suss out the path I should take based on commonalities
among the cultures.

Why Judaism and not Christianity?

Well, that is a tough question. Because if I say that as a Jew I am
free to interpret the law and keep it as I see fit because the laws
"exist" to create a community, ritual, traditions, but are not
actually binding (and I tend to lean this way. I don't think G-d
actually cares whether I drive on Shabbat), then I am a reflection of
a culture that tells me that it's all right to get divorced, live in
sin (sorry, I am talking about your son!), put my children in day
care, legally abort a fetus, get married if you are gay, get my belly
button pierced, wear clothes that reveal that belly button, smoke
marijuana, etc. etc. etc. because we increasingly live in a society
that is growing removed from its center.

As I get older, I think I am getting more conservative. I am
divorced. I am not happy that my life took that course, but I don't
regret leaving that life. I am now living with a man with whom I am
not married. Am I okay with that? Yes, I am on the level that I am
doing it, and I adore him and love him and we are building a great
life. But there is a nagging thought in the back of my mind that we
should get married. And I can see that happening Some Day, but not
quite yet. We have talked about it, and he is still very gun-shy
about it, and it's not a deal breaker for me.

I do think gays should have equal protection under the law, get
married, adopt children. I don't think homosexuality is an
abomination. This makes me technically neither Christian nor Jew--
it's a very secular position to take, but one that is so ingrained-- I
don't want that part of me to change.

That is a choice.

So, why is it more okay with me to be a Reform Jew, who rejects the
wisdom of the rabbinical teachings found in the Talmud? Why not
Orthodox? And for that matter, why couldn't I just be a person who
believed that Jesus had a lot of great ideas, and died on a cross, and
people saw Him after He died, which indicates divinity?

I suppose because what I believe dictates action. If the concept of
Jesus I construct for myself deviates from mainstream Christianity
(and it does), then what is the point? I am not a Christian anyway in
any traditional or accepted definition, so it's much easier to go with
the Jewish path that gives me rituals and traditions I can pass on to
the kids, that give me structure in my life.

I prefer the Jewish rituals and structures, though I do love Icons.
And maybe I will let myself be the kind of Jew that has beautiful
Icons and Crosses up in her house. And if other Jews are not okay
with that, that is their problem.

I don't think I could ever be a *religious* Christian. I really
don't. I can be a religious Jew, though. And maybe I have been
clinging too long to the idea that my spirituality has to match a
religion exactly. If they won't let me convert to Judaism officially
if I have crosses or icons up in my house and if I continue to
celebrate Christmas with my children (if even only in the secular,
Santa Claus, sense), then maybe they're right and I shouldn't convert.
But somehow I think there is room in Judaism even for people like me
(though not necessarily with this rabbi).

In answer to your question, though, Tom: What do I think God is like
or not like? Well, I don't know that He is necessarily a He. If He
does not have a body, then is His personality a He? I don't buy that
G-d is a She either-- and IT doesn't seem to work, so I can live with
He.

Does He love me? Yes. I have always felt loved and protected by G-d.
So, then, we have a presence who is loving.

What more? I don't think He is a petty G-d who gets too bent out of
shape about things like head coverings, driving to Synagogue, and
things like that.

The bigger things? Divorce, living in sin, etc.? Well, you have to
ask yourself how these things affect your soul. Is it possible to
maintain a relationship with your spiritual self, and G-d, the
universe outside your own narcicissm if you are engaging wholly with
the secular? If it is, then fine, go ahead. So, I think if I look at
the underlying reasons for why certain laws have endured the
centuries, I have to sit and wonder to what extent secularism still
gives us room for souls.

And I do feel a need to protect myself from secularism to a large
degree. So, build a fence around the Torah: follow certain precepts
in order to protect your soul and to give it room to expand outside of
your bodily constraints.

I feel like I am just babbling now.

But it's a start.

Love,

Jen

kkopitske@hotmail.com says:have you read the Tao of Pooh?
Jen says:no
kkopitske@hotmail.com says:go buy a copy today and read it
kkopitske@hotmail.com says:remove the picture frame of religion and seek the heart of pooh
Jen says:no. I don't want the heart of pooh. I want God.
kkopitske@hotmail.com says:read the fucking book
kkopitske@hotmail.com says:ok
Jen says:growl
kkopitske@hotmail.com says:gerrrrr right back at ya
Jen says:okay, I will read it.
kkopitske@hotmail.com says:I know plenty of jewish Taoists
kkopitske@hotmail.com says:I did my under graduate thesis on Martin Buber
Jen says:eastern spirituality has never seemed wholly satisfying to me.
kkopitske@hotmail.com says:Taoism and jewish mysticism are cognate
Jen says:I have read Lao Tse
kkopitske@hotmail.com says:much of Lao Tzu is coded - what seems to be poetic imagry is in fact complicated metaphor that it takes some time to decode
kkopitske@hotmail.com says:you like the sucker = community
kkopitske@hotmail.com says:but you want the center = the tootsie pop
Jen says:oh, so that is what dereck's father was quoting
kkopitske@hotmail.com says:I'm not sure
kkopitske@hotmail.com says:what did he say
Jen says: hang on
Jen says: Maybe it is the education or the age or both but you and Jen can discuss these issues openly and dispassionately, kind of like eating a Tootsie Pop and trying not to break the coating to get to the center but you know it is there and you will get it eventually.
Jen says: Karl, what do you believe?
kkopitske@hotmail.com says:we share a metaphor - it's not in any book I know of but derives from the fun commercial
Jen says:Aahhh, really? That is fun.
kkopitske@hotmail.com says:coincidence
Jen says:bizarre
kkopitske@hotmail.com says:the universe is telling you to pay attention to what we are telling you
Jen says:No kidding!
kkopitske@hotmail.com says:read the Tao of Pooh and pick up Martin Bubber -
kkopitske@hotmail.com says:as well
Jen says:oh no, please don't make me read Burber
kkopitske@hotmail.com says:fine
Jen says:I'm just kidding.
kkopitske@hotmail.com says:but read The Tao of Pooh
Jen says:What is Burber's book again?
kkopitske@hotmail.com says:today
kkopitske@hotmail.com says:it'll take you 20 minutes
Jen says:today. Okay, maybe I'll just run out now and get it.
Jen says:cool.
kkopitske@hotmail.com says:go
Jen says:well, give me a few minutes to sit and talk to you.
kkopitske@hotmail.com says:ok
Jen says:Burber.
kkopitske@hotmail.com says:buber
kkopitske@hotmail.com says:martin
Jen says:buber. name of book.
kkopitske@hotmail.com says:I and Thou
Jen says:yeah. My friend Barbara just started reading it and she said she doesn't think she is smart enough to read it.
Jen says:but I am pretty smart.
kkopitske@hotmail.com says:plenty of books on buber
kkopitske@hotmail.com says:the wanderer on the way is goodkkopitske@hotmail.com says:Buber is an existential; jewish mystic taoist
Jen says:cool
kkopitske@hotmail.com says:go
Jen says:wait! What do you believe.
kkopitske@hotmail.com says:I have to go now
kkopitske@hotmail.com says:I'll talk to you after you read what I believe in The Tao of Pooh
kkopitske@hotmail.com says:c u
Jen says:ok

About Martin Buber:

RELIGION PHILOSOPHY
The foundations of Buber's religion philsophy lie in his Chassidic work and his philosopy of dialogue. The basis of belief is the relation between man and God, the relation to the eternal Thou. In an unparalleled consistent way he accomplishes the anthropological turn-about in theology towards the human being: following the dialogical existence of man, there is no statement about God which does not at the same time state something about man. For Buber, the biblical history of belief of Israel is a living tradition, a dialogical history between God and man: from calling Abraham out of his environment, the covenant at Mount Sinai up to the prophets, a dialogical history which demands anyone who joins it.
The basis for all statement about faith is the dialogical relation of trust, not the belief in dogmatic contents, as he views in Christian theology: "One can believe that God is and live in his back, he who trusts him lives in his face." (Two Types of Faith). "Trust is proving trust in the fullness of life in spite of the experienced course of the world."

Liza,

What picnic? Am I missing a picnic? The picnic? Oh deary. Maybe Ishould read that bag of papers they gave me now.

I liked the wildfire article. Yes, it did fire more synapses.

I am feeling a little discouraged about Judaism right now-- mostly because the rabbi is not very encouraging. I know he is not supposed to be, but it's hard. And I do feel that I need to read more about Orthodoxy. The other day during my crisis in which Dereck told me to stop beingso literal, my question was this: If there is no evidence that Moses existed, or any of these people for that matter, then what is the basic difference, Moses or Jesus? Pick one. Dereck says that the story of Moses is a myth, a legend, and the laws gave the Jews a sense of purpose that has kept them together, that has caused the very faith to survive all of these years. So, why not the same with Jesus Christ? Why is it more important to me that I read the story of Jesus and don't believe it, when I read the story of Noah, and the story of Jonah, and the story of David andGoliath, Daniel and the Lion's Den with the same grains of salt. The Adam and Eve myth for that matter. I am perfectly okay with Adam and Eve being mythological, but not Moses. I am fearful of anything being mythical that challenges my belief that G-d actually exists. And I have to believe that. The very threads of my sanity and wholeness depend on it.

And so, okay. The other day my friend Karl posed the question on his blog of whether or not someone could have hacked into his computer and called 911 from his phone line, even though the power went out and it's not uncommon for your house to somehow contact 911 during these times. That is what the police told him on each of their three visitsto his house. But that didn't stop him from posing the question of a computer hacker. I told him he was a silly boy and that didn't happen. He said, it could have. I said, Not in the universe I live in. So, the point is, he lives in a self-constructed reality in which strangers hack into your computer and call 911 just for kicks. I knowt hat this is among the realm of possibilities, but the very unlikelihood (and I am not willing to entertain all the reasons why it*could* be likely. Didn't happen) of it happening has convinced me that that possibility should be dismissed as silliness.

Now. I am perfectly okay living in my self-constructed reality inthis circumstance and letting him live in his. But in the case ofG-d's existence, not so. I have to know how 911 got dialed, and theory is not enough for me. And I am not only willing to entertain every possibility, but I also view all of them as equally likely. I can't dismiss any as less important than the other because it's too important to me to know HOW 911 came to be dialed, not just the factthat it was. Do you follow where I am going with this? Maybe with the concept of G-d and His existence I should adopt the attitude that 911 was called(the earth exists) and so it doesn't really matter HOW it got called,but it seems LIKELY that G-d had something to do with it. And take things from there. And now (or before now) you are thinking to yourself, "I have conclusive, written, email proof that we have not only covered this ground before, but also that we have solved this."

But I keep returning to it. Because it's important.

If Moses did not really exist, then can I really adopt Judaism as my spiritual home, completely discounting Christianity? Because, if we are going to talk metaphorically about what feels like a good fit, then I can't choose this without further exploring the possibilities of that. I keep waiting for the lightning bolt to come and level this forest,but sometimes men build the fires when the lightning doesn't come.

I don't like Christianity. I don't necessarily want to be a Christian. But I am still drawn to the icons and to Orthodoxy, and I have to find out why. Is it aesthetic? One of the things I initially liked about Judaism is now giving me pause: if it's just a good lifestyle without genuine belief, as it seems to be for many Jews just as it is for many Protestants, then *I*can't do it. It's not enough. Even with the traditions, the rituals.I am still on the path, still on the search for Truth. And maybe Judaism is True. But the whole Moses thing *bothers* me. I don't like it. I don't want to think that. What if I went and got the same degree that Dereck did? I might be shaken to the very core. I might not ever recover. Why is it so essential to me to believe in G-d? It is. It is. I don't know why. But it is.

Prayer is important to me. I do think He takes care of us. I don't think things are coincidental. I don't think it was an accident that Christine, who hasn't known up til this morning who was going to watch Rowan this year, mentioned it to her para Sarah, who needs extra money and will do it, and who is marvelously qualified to do so. And whose husband is in Justice Systems. These kinds of layers and complexity are simply too much to be a coincidence. I know that I am in Kirksville for a reason. I know that you are too. I don't yet know why. Yet here we are.

Our lives are not justaccidents, and I am just crazy enough as a little spec of dust in the universe to insist that in the face of intellectuals and great minds who will tell me otherwise and why. And I can't prove it. But it all goes back for me to how then do I live? Which way? Which myth? And this just brings me to tears. Because I am uncertain about my path. Judaism is turning out to be much less about G-d and much more about the community than I had thought. And it is still beautiful, but I need something more personal.

So.This brings me back to Orthodoxy. And I will have to dig back in again.

Sigh.

Pray for me.

Jen

I was thinking, while out in the Minnesota woods this week, of another reason I want to convert officially, and it hadn't struck me before.

If anything were to happen to me, there wouldn't be a rabbi to attend to me, I wouldn't have Jewish services, wouldn't be buried in a Jewish cemetery, and nobody would sit shul for me.

And that started to worry me.

Always in the hospital, I've chosen "No religious affiliation," but now it is important for me to have one.

Hello Rabbi,
I'm sorry I've been out of touch-- I'm still here! I am working myway through The Source, and still holding Shabbat and saying the Sh'ma with my children every day. I haven't gone away, and I am still committed to this path-- the summer with three little boys in baseball and various trips, etc., has just gotten away from me a little bit. But I did want to drop a note and say I'm still here. We have even added Havdaleh prayers to our repetoire, and this weekend, Dereck andI will be in St. Louis on business, and we are planning to attend Shabbat services on Delmar Blvd. that morning.

Hope you are doing well, and that we see you soon!

We are alreadylooking forward to Yom Kippur and Rosh Hashana.

Jen

I got this email today:


Shalom,
I was a convert to Othodoxy. No offense, but there is not really any such thing as a person who converts to "Non observant" Judaism such as reform.

This is the second time I have been told by an Orthodox Jew not to bother converting to Reform, because it doesn't really count.

But I can't really get angry or irritated by this. I know the history-- that is why I've been doing all of the reading I've been doing.

This was my reply:

Well, I'm not interested in debating it, really. I have heard that opinion before. But you probably know from my blog why I am not interested in converting to Orthodoxy. And although I am converting to Reform, I do plan to be observant, but probably not observant enough or in the right ways according to someone Orthodox.

And I certainly can understand the arguments that I cannot pick and choose from the Torah those mitzvot I find personally appealing-- but given my history and background, taking any steps closer to G-d, finding ways to that with my children, well, these steps, although inadequate, are important for me. And just as if I started a crash diet plan, I may lose weight, but gain it all back, if I am going to make a spiritual change, then I will have to do it in small, sustainable ways.

I appreciate your comments, but they will not change my mind. I am not going to move to Israel, and I don't live in a community with any Jews, let alone Orthodox, so I don't see that it really affects me.

Shalom,

Jen